Journal entry August 18, 2021

Life during covid has been a constant challenge. How can I invent, improvise, be fluid, open, forgiving, embracing, resilient? How can I not shrink in my spirit and body with being cut off from loved ones, friends, from freedom of movement and closeness with them. I’ll list here what has helped me stay in the moment, being grateful and even in rare moments, being happy:

1. Zooming with family members on a regular basis. My family members live in very different parts of the country, each with its own environmental hazards, so that has become a topic we gladly share. But, politically we are each in a different place in the spectrum, so we’ve tried to stay away from discussing the social crises our country faces, except in a general way. How can we have a meaningful conversation without giving our views on the Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe vs Wade? We can’t. So, we have to limit the depth of our sharing and appreciate what we can share: weather, health, covid, social events, nature, catastrophes. It’s hard but without the zoom sessions every other week, I wouldn’t “see” my blood family at all and I don’t have a large family, no children, or grandchildren of my own. We recognize the precariousness of our connections and existence and the preciousness of our communications. My brother is 95; my sister has been dealing with covid…

2. Editing my novel series and experiencing the revitalizing process of writing and living with my characters as they struggle, like me, to live useful, loving honest lives. I will write more about this.

3. Relishing friendships of all kinds, from the deep, intimate communication with my partner, re-establishing closeness with family by jockeying differences for the sake of familial connection over decades. Sustaining closeness with friends in the various ways we invent to keep each other safe during this epidemic. Cherishing spontaneous interactions with strangers. Re-establishing closeness with all the parts and needs of my many selves and working to be an understanding friend to myself. I will write more about this.

4. Forgiveness as a way to happiness by recognizing my own limitations as well and keeping an open heart to those who have hurt me and those I have hurt.

5. Seeing my elder age as a challenge and not as a road block up ahead that limits the time I have left to be on this planet and accomplish all the tasks I have not yet completed. To put it wryly: seeing my elder age not as a death sentence. I can still think and learn and create and change and reach out and connect.

What else would I like to write about now?

1. Allowing myself to be happy that I have a partner to be intimate with, snuggle with, create and think with while others I love do not. This needs a story.

2. How to not be overwhelmed by what I want to accomplish while I’m still fit and able:Get my writing out, downsize my apartment by getting rid of everything that could be of use to someone else; and getting rid of stuff nobody needs or wants. Finish doing my will so that I’ve taken care of how my humble assets could be of help to others. Figure out how do I handle my needs of leaving a legacy––all the writing, music, photos, art works, instruments in my apartment need to know where they are going. (To be continued)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s