Don’t worry, my black journals, we’re simply in cyberspace now

How I’ve missed you, my constant companion, my home away from home, and at times my only home. For over two decades, 1965 through 1985, I had a black journal in reaching distance as constant companion through all my internal and external changes so that I could share and understand those changes with myself and the other(s) as you never wrote down your thoughts without the possibility of them being read.

How I have been able to go so long without this faithful companion, I don’t know, except to say I have sublimated and transformed that primary need of struggling to know myself through other forms of communication: therapy, consciousness raising groups, intimate friends and lovers, and as memoir-driven content in plays, songs, poems, short stories and novels. This constant need to express my feelings through language to others has been satisfied in many ways. So why now have I returned to “My Black Journal,” with an almost desperate need and have accepted that it won’t be the same as before.

I will not be holding you, “my beloved black journal,” in my hands; I will not feel your precious weight nudging into my loins, I will not gaze down on your pale face waiting for me to tattoo my images upon your lovely skin, I will not be thrilled at the expanse of your line-less sheets, allowing me to open my soul, my imagination, my variety of forms of expression on your waiting pages.

That is to say: I still have the same needs to express myself and be heard by “You,” human awareness beyond myself, but I have been transformed sufficiently to accept that 2019 is not 1985. I will not be carrying my 2 pound black journal around with me any longer. I will sit at my desk in my studio apartment with my hands on the computer keyboard, not grasping a black pen, I will enter my thoughts and concerns on my transformed soul mate.

The 8” x 12” books of 140 pages, white and unlined, bound in black, pebbly covers, exist in my past. In my present: My Blog, under the name Jeri Hilderley will now serve as the counterpart of those beloved volumes still held dearly in my studio bookcase. Now, I will share with a much wider audience (not just me!) my new journal entries, my novel excerpts, my short stories, my favorite links and reads, and oh, my struggles to find an agent or publisher. 

As I continue the quest for my own authenticity as a person, writer and contributor to the humane race, I still relive what those hand-held books meant to me — my development and my survival.

8 thoughts on “

  1. I have just read all the excerpts from your quartet, and I can’t wait to savor the entire first book about the Fire Dragon Street Theater. It is so important to remember how young artist-politicos worked together to fight the injustices in our country, how creative inventiveness can make the struggle fun as well as viable. I’ve been there and done that, and, oh, how your work brings back memories! Janet Rose, author of “Beyond the Horse’s Eye; a Fantasy Out of Time”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, my novel, Fire Dragon Street Theater, the first memoir-driven historical novel in the Rune Quartet has been written and is seeking a publisher. Will keep you posted on the process. Many thanks for your interest!

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  2. Jeri, what a gorgeous look to your page. Well done. Having heard excerpts, I look forward to reading your vivid and imaginative Fire Dragon Street Theater. I will be delighted to invite you to my blog to introduce it to my friends and professional family. Loretta Goldberg, author The Reversible Mask.

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  3. Good morning, Jeri. What an ambitious project you have undertaken! But keeping handwritten journals for 20 years is truly amazing, given all the other things you were doing during those years. You are truly a writer. Brava. I admire you for that. I look forward to your journey in this medium. Solidarity and love, Sue Davis, author Love Means Second Chances.

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    1. Hi Sue — Keeping a journal in the 60s, 70s, 80s helped me keep track of my inward journey as well as the outer one. And as my novel, Fire Dragon Street Theater reveals, my journal writings in those times became the raw materials for what would develop into scenes, exploration of characters and their relationships and the threads for weaving plots and plans. So, the journals served as sketches for the developed novels. As you have understood, keeping a blog is a challenging undertaking. Yet, centering as well. That you and I can share some thoughts here about writing is certainly one of the huge perks of this undertaking. From one seasoned writer to another, I wish you wonderful satisfaction and insights in your writing work as well. That we both know how both difficult and delightful our work with words is, that is comforting.

      Liked by 1 person

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